This Life
by Nightwingess
Summary: Memories are painful...especially for Artemis. T for...well for some very sad memories...


Artemis ran her hands over the book, the one neatly placed on her lap filled with memories, although not her own. It was an old book, about 21 years in age, give or take a few days. It was red with worn out edges and various scratches across the front. In gold it spelled out "Wally's baby book" she smiled. He'd kept it hidden from her for some time, a present from his mother who insisted he take it with them when he moved in. She'd finally found it, wedged between some biology textbooks that Wally believed Artemis would never go near. She wouldn't have touched them had she not been looking for a chew toy Kent had flung all the way over to the top shelf of Wally's bookcase.

"I was pretty stupid right Kent? He put it in a damn bookcase." She rolled her eyes at her own stupidity, relaxing into her seat at the same time to see what the pages held in store for her.

She smoothed the first page, smiling as it had Wally's first baby picture, that of his birth. He had a full head of red hair much like a clown would, that had her laughing; he looked like a troll. Gingerly, she ran her fingers over the red hair as if to feel the strands; a thought came to her, what if that's what her baby would look like? She shook the thought not wanting to dive into any deeper meanings or too far into the future at the age of 20. She turned the page to find photos of Wally's first bath. His red hair all wet, the greenness of his eyes only seen in slits as he was wearing a joyous expression of pure mirth, splashing his tiny hands in the water, bubbles encircling his head.

"He has the best expressions." Artemis whispered to Kent. She continued on this way, seeing Wally's first everything, her favorite being his first ice cream. His whole mouth clamped over the cone that his mother held, his eyes said "What?" just as Wally does now. This had Artemis laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes, now she couldn't help but think of how wonderful it'd be to have a baby just like Wally, if not ridiculously entertaining.

"Although troublesome." She said aloud.

She flipped to the next page, still smiling, when she saw the photo of Wally's first birthday. He was wearing a yellow bowtie and a party hat; he had two fists full of cake and a mouth covered in frosting. His parents were behind him, laughing, their eyes on each other as if to say "Look at what we made, isn't he adorable?" Artemis chuckled at first, but her past, her dark frightful past crept up on her as she recalled her own birthdays. A shiver want down her spine slowly, striking each vertebre until it reaches the bottom, from there the shiver shot up to her hands, they shook, she closed her eyes.

Memories…memories filled with training, training in the cold, the rain, the snow, the burning heat. She had scorch marks from the sun baking her as she tried to disable a bomb, the snow falling over her with a gunshot wound to the leg…the ice freezing it over giving her a bloody frostbite…the scars from being forced to work with unstable chemicals...

"I learned how to build a bomb by age 6." She said with a pensive tone. Her innocence was stolen from her through heinous methods of torture, excruciating pain…and all at the hands of her father. Her mother had done her best, at least getting her a cake from the local market although it was months later when her parents were away on missions, missions to murder, hired to kill. Artemis would sit by the window and stare out at Gotham, wondering when her parents would come home, and how could they possibly be satisfied living this life that provided them a crappy apartment with running brown water, a broken washer that ate their clothes, and nights were they'd all go hungry. It never made sense to her, was it their anger, their anger for their life that made them take such actions?

Just then she could hear a whistling at the front door. She heard him take off his shoes, the sound of wet mud, the flip of his jacket, his breath…

"Hey beautiful!" He said melodiously. She let her head fall into her arms that now rested on her knees, her knees which touched her chest.

"Beautiful?" He was next to her, his arms around her, kissing her cheek. She had tears in her eyes, a waterfall of some sort although she was fighting it with an internal dam, fighting to keep it inside but that's not the way it was suppose to be…

All these worn out photographs of his life, the happiness in every expression, every gesture frozen in time, a beautiful moment, a beautiful preservation of a good life, a life she did not have. There were no birthday parties or ice cream, or lullabies to help her fall asleep, only one song she'd learned from her mother…and she learned it inadvertently. It was the song her mother sung when she prayed for this to end, the life, the danger, her mother would sing, no whisper with a melody the song that struck her…as the end…the end of life. It shook Artemis, she sang it everyday, no twinkle-twinkle little star, only the Vietnamese lullaby from a broken woman.

"Artemis, talk to me." She swallowed and turned to look at him through the slits of her hair that now covered her face. She didn't want to tell him the truth, the cold truth that she had kept hidden all these years. He knew of her life, almost all of it except for the grave details of her father's tests, he only new of their existence…these events…the torture, but she never talked about the pain. The truth behind it all, behind Wally's cakes and family outings, his first pet, his vacation to the beaches…when she was at the beach it was swim practice in the middle of a storm…the truth of it all…

"I'm Jealous." She looked up at him, her eyes focused on his; the green eyes that made her melt left her envious. She wanted his life. It wasn't always like this, in fact it was almost never like this, these feelings of anger…she wanted his past life but she…

"Of what?" Wally said pulling her into him in order to properly hold her.

"You." She rested his head on her shoulder. She felt like she didn't deserve to touch him. A boy that lived such a wonderful life with loving parents in a nice suburban home where they had Thanksgivings and Christmases instead of starvation and cold wintery evenings huddled in a corner with a teddy bear for warmth and nothing else…or even the bitter freezing temperatures she endured from stake outs…with guns and knives and blood…

"Me? Why?" Wally started running through his mind of things that would make the love of his life jealous. "Love of his life" being something clichéd but perfect in describing his feelings. His life was a matter of choices and this was the one thing he did not choose, to be in love with her. Was he sorry that both his brain and heart wanted her? No, not at all. She was beautiful and strong and she put him in his place. She kept his ego from running wild; she kept him humble. They had formed a bond out of what he believed was fate and he was never the type of guy to believe in destiny. But something, something that brought them together, it was bigger than him, and while he couldn't be sure he appreciated it, the notion of a force holding them together. The idea that she was upset…her pain was his, there was nothing more to it than that.

"I'm jealous because you had a good life and I didn't. It's pathetic." She broke away from him and stood up, walking around the living room with her arms wrapped around herself, her nails pushing into the skin of her shoulders. She coughed a few times, the words in her mouth quickly changed to salvia that choked her as she tried to speak.

"How long have you felt this way?" Wally said, his hands on his knees. He wasn't sure what to make of it. A moment ago he was lost in thought, trying to explain to himself how he felt about this woman. This woman who'd throw spaghetti sauce at him when he made a perverted joke, this woman who smacked the back of his head when he forgot to feed the dog, this woman who wouldn't let him walk out the door without giving her a kiss on the cheek. It was this woman who made life worth wild, and that was something big, he was a speedster that lived on adrenaline; he could run anywhere in the world, the freedom of that, he could run over water and run so fast he could walk up buildings…but it was the arms of this woman that gave him that rush, that high, it was unlike anything else…it was-

"Maybe always. I just never thought about it until I saw…all your memories." She gestured to the baby book. Wally picked it up, running his hands over it as Artemis had done before. He smiled.

"We can make those memories you know?" He walked over to her.

"My childhood is gone. I try to put it behind me, but it's who I am now. To think…you wouldn't even want me had I not been through all that…" She was trying to find a silver lining in her past now, had she not been through all she'd been through, she wouldn't be the woman she is today, the woman Wally loved…

"W-what do you mean?"

"Wally, my personality, who I am…I'm the product of…torture." She fell down on her knees, holding herself tightly. The silver lining in the clouds faded as quickly as it had came, the word torture…aloud, it triggered the pain…the awful pain…She was back in her old room, holding herself with blood seeping from her shoulders after being shot once more. She rocked back and forth in her room, singing that lullaby.

She tried to crush her eyes under the weight of her eyelids; she squeezed them so tightly; she was weak. It was amazing how a few photos can trigger a lifetime of pain, a moment of weakness. This was not how she wanted him to see her; she was supposed to be the Spitfire.

Wally's head went down at the sight of Artemis. He wanted to speak but there were no words, no words…he had no words to…He cursed himself for failing to comfort her, he hated himself for not realizing, in all these years, all these years…he never realized how much pain she was in. She was strong, she was but so much of that strength was born out of a façade. She needed to be held…more than just a boy hugging the girl he loves, he had to do more…he had to…

He dropped to the floor, putting his hands on her shoulders. She didn't look up. He closed his eyes and placed his arm around her legs, the other over her back to pick her up. He sped out, shutting the door with a kick before running off completely with her in his arms and no set destination. She was accustomed to this, holding tightly to his neck, tears falling onto his shirt; she buried her face in his scent. He ran faster and faster, avoiding open roads in favor of hidden pathways to keep others from noticing them. They past houses similar to Wally's where smoke escaped chimneys, light at the windows; in some he could see families gathering to eat dinner. He was struck with the realization that was Artemis really wanted, what she really needed was a home with people…people who loved her. The closest she'd ever had to that was the team, they had left that life behind, and still it was hard to replace family, the people who are supposed to love you…what does that do to someone's self worth? Her mother…she tried but she was still very broken, it was Artemis who tried to put the pieces that were her mother together. This gave him an idea and with this idea he ran to an open meadow, a meadow he wished to stargaze from once he had arrived at Stanford but in all the years here, he never had.

It was dark, there was silence, but it was peaceful. He laid her down and the gestured for her to lay next to him as he sank to the ground.

"Why here?" She said as she laid down, staring up at the stars.

"When I was a kid, I'd take my telescope out at night, I pretended to be Luke Skywalker and with my eye on the stars I was out there being a Jedi." He smiled remembering those quiet, safe nights of childhood where he never worried about the fate of the world; it was just him and the sky.

He turned to look at her, he had a sullen expression, his eyes weary, but wise as if there was something in his life that pained him, something that made him so pensive.

"I can't give you your childhood back but I can do things like this, I can give you what I can of my memories and…and…I can promise you now, you have all of my future." As he spoke, her pain seemed to dissolve unto the grass around them. The stars looked like the promises of good memories and his words were the seal to that promise. She nodded and placed her hand on his cheek, running her finger over his freckles. He leaned into her hand, staring at her like she was the most precious thing in all the universe.

"I'll hold you do it. But there's something I want, right now."

"The stars aren't enough?" He teased.

"I want the stars, I want you, and… I want to dance like an old married couple. I want to live those days right now, just now. Just one dance between you and me like we're old coots who argue all the time and steal each other's food and have 10 grandkids and we have old wrinkly hands with liver spots but when we touch it's exactly the same as it was 40 years ago. Does that make sense?"

Wally rose from the ground, raising Artemis in the process, they were back in each other's arms, slow dancing under the stars.

"Yes beautiful, it makes perfect sense."

"Good."

"You know we have a special bond, us old coots." She started to giggle, wrapping her arms over his neck, pulling back only slightly to look at him.

"Yea."

"It's a force." She raised her eyebrows and stuck her lips out at the word "force" thinking Wally was taking this opportunity to be a nerd.

"The force?" Wally jumped in excitement as the woman he loved…her first thought at the word "force" was…

"The force is with us!" He hugged her tightly, exciting at the idea of changing her into a Star Wars nerd, perhaps as engrossed with the series as he was!

Artemis Shook her hand, rolled her eyes and pinched his arm much like a woman does with her husband out of annoyance and love.

Artemis knew this dance wouldn't fix everything, it wouldn't erase her memories but the new ones…maybe the new ones would cover the old and maybe…maybe Wally could give her enough new memories, beautiful, happy memories that she wouldn't have room for the bad ones.

"I love you." Wally said swaying to the breeze.

"I love you too." She said she relaxed under the stars with the love of her life, the man who made her smile and laugh and cry and live. Live the life she wanted…and living this life…this life he brought her…it was more than enough for her.


End file.
